I am regretting the last 21 years

Useless thinking is making a comeback.
I will die if let it happen.
I never hate it like this. Never I have anything which makes me disgust and feel extremely hatred on.
I will die if it comes back. It destroys my life enough. It could not be in me any more. Take my mind back to my body. Useless thinking has taken from me everything. I could not forgive it, tolerate it. Never.