If I could not win over useless thinking, I will die

I see no point to live that way. Not at all.
I disgust it with all my heart. That is dirty.
That is to live in SHIT.
I will not. I am really angry about it. I am ready to die rather than live that way. It is truly worse than death. That is why I have thought about death many times in my last 21 years.
It is worse than death.